Excerpt from an email I wrote to a young questioning (and perhaps a bit self hating) probably queer guy. I’d be interested in hearing what other things people think are important?
A couple of points:
1. you don’t have to commit yourself to a label, “Questioning” is perfectly acceptable, especially in a group like a GSA
2. Bars are so NOT the way to go! (ed. note: he was bemoaning that he is still too young to get into bars and he felt that that meant that he can’t meet other guys) GLBTQ people pick people up in normal places, like (possibly) through GSA meetings, clubs, bookstores, coffee shops etc. If you are working to have a healthy attitude toward being gay or bi or whatever, anonymous sex with guys you pick up in a bar or who pick you up really won’t give it to you. Look up porn on the internet in the meantime, you’ll be better off (something I still do regularly and I have a boyfriend).
3. Whatever you do, do it really safely. You are in a prime position to pick something up that you don’t want. I have met a lot of people our age who knew all about safe sex, but when the moment struck it all went out of their heads. They thought with their dicks and in some cases paid too high a price. Also, if you are having negative feelings about maybe being queer (and there’s nothing wrong with that) don’t let yourself do something stupid because deep down you feel like you deserve it or because being queer or having queer sex is icky and dirty anyway or something. This applies to hooking up with guys who treat you like shit. Unsafe sex isn’t just about disease.
4 (and last). I know that this may be too personal, but I’m putting it out there anyway. When you decide to hook up with someone. Be clear in advance with yourself and them about what you want to do. If you only feel mentally or physically up for something simple ( i.e. mutual masturbation) there is nothing wrong with that. Anyone who tells you otherwise isn’t worth it. DON’T think that just ’cause someone is queer that they are going to immediately (or ever for that matter in some cases) love anal sex or have an easy time with it. I know LOTS of guys who are not fans of anal sex, and a huge number of guys who had bad introductions to it because they went to fast in starting the practice before they were ready or with someone who they were comfortable with or just because they felt pressured even though it didn’t interest them.
Quick note on point #4: I don’t want people to think that I’m against anal sex. I’m not. At the same time I know a lot of gay guys who aren’t that into it, or didn’t have a good introduction to it. I think that the points I make there are important because they aren’t the kind of things that young and/or inexperienced guys hear.