I went bat-shit crazy on Summer today over the phone. He was supposed to take care of picking some things up where we used to live and also pay some bills. He didn’t do either. That said, I totally lost it, and not in a terribly justifiable way. We are under a great deal of strain right now, much of it financial. For instance we have to get Summer a new piece of shit car to replace the current piece of shit car he is driving. Since he used to have a good reliable car which was shot to pieces by the homophobe who used to be our neighbor, this makes us all a bit bitter. The fact that his folks wouldn’t help us out afterwards makes Fire and I a lot bitter. His current car is a death trap. It was a death trap when it was first built 15 years ago. He has a 120mi commute every day. The car he is replacing it with was at least a great car when it was new 12 years ago, but now has 200,000mi on it.
None of this is really a good excuse for being an asshole though. Summer is almost certainly under at least as much strain as Fire or I am. I am not sure why my temper is so short in the last few days. I know that being sick and having poison ivy is part of it, but mostly it is just me.
Until last weekend I had a really good idea of what I was doing with my life. I was just making it through these ordeals and shaman sickness. Now though, I feel rather adrift. This is not a feeling I am comfortable with. The only thing worse than not being up to a job is the feeling of being trained, skilled and ready to go and then not having a clear job to do. It isn’t like there isn’t spooky work I could be doing. It is just that I feel like I don’t know how to prioritize all the little things and that there isn’t a clear JOB that needs doing. I am also getting the really strong feeling that I need to be working on ways to make the spooky thing pay. Great fun.